人生有時候(幾乎每天)都會有些不如意,喝點小酒寫出來的亂七八糟故事除了反映現實生活,也是小小的消遣一下生活的不順。 剛開始是寫給朋友看的,所以也沒多在意標點符號,時態也沒多一致,有些梗如果不是大學同學就看不懂。 但我懶爆。所以就這樣吧。 The Story of Taking Control One day Tom found a kitten on the street, he stopped and looked at it. "Hello, kitty." The kitten suddenly seemed furious, it growled and cried "I ain't no motherfucking kitty you motherfucking fucker fuck!" Tom was scared, but he did not allow anyone to insult him. So he snatched the kitty up and threw it on his shoulder. The kitten scratched and squealed but Tom didn't give a fuck. Tom went home and dropped the kitten on the floor. The kitten was now afraid, and it could tell that Tom was a badass motherfucker. So the kitten decided to play meek. "Please let me go," said the kitten in its sweetest voice. "I'm a magic cat! I'll do anything you want." But Tom was an educated man, well, he had a bachelor degree of art, but still he went to college. "Oh you think I'm so foolish I'd let you go. No. I'm gonna tame you like Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew." "You wish to marry me?" "You know the play?" "Told you I'm a magic cat you motherfucking fucker fuck." "That's it! You're not going anywhere until you become an ordinary cat!" "Motherfucking fucker fuck," thought the kitten. Tom thought the kitten would try to escape or even kill itself, but the kitten stayed at his house but stayed out of his way, quiet most of the time, as if scheming revenge. However, nothing happened. The kitten remained in the house days after days, the kitten had become a cat. Tom now named the cat "Cat", after the cat in Breakfast at Tiffany's. "So original," said Cat, sarcastically. That's the only comment it made. One day, Tom came home and Cat was nowhere to be seen. Tom admitted that he panicked a little, for he had gotten used to Cat being around swearing “motherfucking fucker fuck”. He hadn’t tamed it yet, there’s no way Cat could’ve gone away. And then Tom heard water-splashing sounds from the bathroom. He rushed to the bathroom just as the door opened. A girl walked out---naked---water still dripping from her hair. “Sup?” she looked at Tom with a sly grin. “Motherfucking fucker fuck, that’s a huge boner,” the grin widened. “What the f---” Tom could feel his face burn. ”Cat?” “Duh.” Cat rolled her eyes. “Why are you suddenly....human?” “Guess I hit puberty,” she shrugged. “I’m a magic cat, remember? Oh and I ain’t no real human girl. Don’t gimme that Pinocchio shit. I’m still sorta like a cat.” Cat said as she showed Tom the cat ears on her head, and then she turned around showing him her cat tail. She burst out laughing as she heard Tom scurried away to his room with just the sight of her butt. Cat ran after him, scratching the bedroom door and sang “are you gonna play that Nekopara game? Are you into this shit? Motherfucking fucker fuck, I just hit puberty! Are you pedophile?” Tom locked himself up in the room, now he was the one who wanted to escape. “She really is a magic cat,” he panted. “Dark magic,” he added a mental note to himself. Cat was still meowing and singing outside, and Tom couldn’t get her voice out of his head. All he could think about was Cat, and it was extra lonely when he’s lying on a double bed with no one else by his side. “One should not sleep in a double bed alone,” Tom thought. So he finally got out of his room and found Cat sleeping on the sofa. He picked Cat up and brought her to his room. On the next morning, Tom was kicked out of bed by Cat, but he was satisfied and didn’t complain. Same thing happened the next day, and then the next. Until one day Tom figured that the deed of his house, car and bike had been transferred to Cat somehow. Tom asked Cat about this. “You sure you have a degree of Art? This is simple Lysistrata experiment. I used sex to stop the war between us; I used sex to control you; I used sex to gain power,” Cat responded. “The best weapon is between a woman’s legs.” “This is unacceptable!” Cried Tom. “And I’m pretty sure you learned that from Cersei Lannister!” “Then go buy Tenga, you motherfucking fucker fuck.” Of course Tom wouldn’t be as happy if he used Tenga. So he accepted reality and was tamed by Cat. They lived happily ever after. Author's Note
這篇其實根本就是我與湯哥的胡亂改編的愛情故事。免不了的18禁,但我自認寫的隱諱 (有嗎?)。 這篇裡面其實很多文學梗。例如 The Taming of the Shrew 是沙士比亞的"馴悍記",我第一次聽這個故事是在幼稚園的時候,我媽念給我聽的床邊故事。當時我就已經覺得"妻子應該被馴服"這件事情有點怪,長大之後再來讀這故事就更無法理解為何女性該被"馴服"、該溫順。 再加上完全相反的例子: Lysistrata,這是希臘劇本。故事主要是說男性一直在打仗,女性為了讓戰爭停下來,集體決定不跟老公打炮,拿性愛威脅自己老公。最後大家真的就都不打仗了。 寫這篇故事其實算是把"馴悍記"中的男女角色的結局互換,搭配Lysistrata裡面的"性94武器"(有夠中二)來rewrite成一個很ㄎㄧㄤ的故事。 最後就是 Motherfucking fucker fuck真的超順的啦。 延伸閱讀:
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11/30/2019 17:30:20
我看了三小哈哈哈哈
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